Living and Dying Without Regrets
This article is written by a dear friend of mine and End of Life Doula, Oceana Sawyer. Her work can be of great benefit for people of all ages.
Begin with the End in Mind
When it comes to death, many people think it’s a taboo to discuss their death, or they make the mistake of believing they are too young to plan for it. As demonstrated by recent events, however, there is no time that is too soon to start thinking about your death. The perfect time to plan your end is now.
How do you want it to go? Where do you want to be? Who should be there? What do you want to have around you? What do you want to leave behind and for whom?
Being deliberate about the end of your life frees you up to enjoy the rest of your life. It’s helpful to think about your last few months in five different domains: physical, emotional (relational), spiritual, life purpose, and after death. In each area, you can consider what would make the end of life feel complete, and possibly even pleasurable.
If you’re having trouble imagining how your death would manifest itself, you only have to examine your actual lifestyle, family medical history, and current health status. A couple of scenarios will become evident in short order. Something else to consider is that due to the miracle of medical technology, most of us are not going to die suddenly of an illness. Rather we are likely going to linger for a considerable amount of time. So it makes sense to think about how you want to spend that time.
Starting with the physical domain, think about what your body means to you. What are the judgments and regrets you have about your body? Also, consider some of the ways your body has served you. Then how would you like your body to be cared for as you’re dying? What do you imagine would make you feel comfortable in the final months and weeks of your life? This leads to your physical surroundings. Consider all your senses as you envision a physical space in which to have your desired death.
In terms of the emotional domain, you’re going to be looking primarily at your relationships, which is where your emotions find their expression. What are the dominant emotions in your life, and how have they played out in your relationships? Which emotions do you find challenging and why? You could also do the same inventory of relationships that you find challenging? Maybe there are one or two that could be revisited in order to have a sense of satisfying completion as you journey out of this plane.
The area of spirituality is often one that people push to the background in their “ordinary” life. That is, until the end, when they find that their fuzzy spiritual or religious understanding doesn’t provide a robust enough foundation in which to rest easy as functionality diminishes in the other domains. Right now, you can start to ponder what is God or Spirit to you. Where does your spirit/consciousness/soul go when it leaves your body? What are the religious or spiritual practices that would give you the kind of send-off that you would like to have as you are dying? Maybe there are a couple you could invest in now.
This is where you start to see how your current life becomes richer as you contemplate the end of your life.
In contrast to spirituality, when considering death, life purpose is the first place many people go, and that’s understandable. The idea that your life flashes before your eyes right before the end, whether true or not, is common enough that it is worth taking seriously. This is potentially a big area, so it is better to start now mulling over the big questions — What has given your life meaning? How do you want to be remembered? What were the significant highs and lows? Did you accomplish all that you wanted, and if not, can you live (or die) with that? You can start now putting together legacy projects that express who you are or have been and what you want to leave behind.
Finally, the domain of after-death care may be the hardest to consider seriously. Many people say quickly or even casually, “Oh, I just want to be cremated.” While currently, approximately 80% of people opt for cremation over traditional burial now, the after-death care industry is in the midst of a renaissance, and it’s worth knowing the full range of options available. If you’re concerned at all about the environment, for instance, you might consider a natural burial.
Moreover, this is an area where most people do the least planning, and so it ends up on the shoulders of the very person or people who are the most devastated by the loss of the person who has died. Consider it a loving act to actually plan for what you want to happen to your body after you have left. Remember, this part of the journey is not as much for you as it is for the people you are leaving behind. What is the best way for them to have the kind of loving closure you would want for them?
Furthermore, the matter of your will, Advanced Health Care Directives, Power of Attorney, obituary, etc. must be duly addressed before you die.
Clearly having some sort of plan for the end of your life is essential. The process itself can also have a beneficial effect on your current life as well. It can become the seed of fascinating conversations among your friends and family as you start to express your end of life thoughts and ideas while you’re still very much around.
While it may feel daunting when viewed as a whole, baby steps are perfectly fine when you start before death is imminent. You can also use a guide to help you through the process. The Five Wishes program is a popular one.
As an End of Life Doula, I can also guide you through a step by step process — Best 3 Months — that culminates in a visual map of your last and best three months. However you do it, the most important point is to simply begin with the end in mind.
Oceana Sawyer bio: Drawing upon meditation practices, my teaching experience in the realm of sensuality, intensive study in the expressive arts, earth-based spirituality, and integral counseling psychology, I partner with folks to create a conscious dying process. In addition to End of Life Doula certifications from University of Vermont and the Conscious Dying Institute, I am a member of the National End-of-Life Doula Alliance.
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